


This may be a Circus but were not always Laughing

by Torishire



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Abandonment, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Circus, Death, F/M, Fun, Funny, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Jealousy, Jokes, Love, M/M, Magical Accidents, More tags to be added, Multi, Other, POV First Person, Pain, Suicide Attempt, actual magic, actual sorcery my dudes, also no one is as they seem, injry, isn't that cheating for a magician?, like really actual magic, sexy stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-21 05:23:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13734039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Torishire/pseuds/Torishire
Summary: ' Come one come all to the Ah Circus! We have acrobats and a lion tamer, A magician,a sword swallowing/flame juggling woman,a clown, a strong man and some dancing girls too... Come in and join Ring master Geoff and watch the fun! 'When your a kid you always say if you run away it will be to the circus, your nineteen when you actually do it. Where will you fit in and what happens when you fall in love? You find out along the way that not everything is laughter and joy... As well as everyone not being just as they appear...





	1. Welcome one and all! -Prelude

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SathTrash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SathTrash/gifts).



The Circus, a fun and family friendly place where you come for a laugh and a good time; also the place everyone says there going to run to when your young. I step into the tents and admire the bright lights shining down on me, the people going to there seats around me don't even pay me mind as i sit on the end of one of the bleachers. My knees bounce and my heart races, this is the one place i can go where i know he won't find me... He can't find me here he'd give up before he got here, Another group files in just as the lights seem to dim slightly. "Welcome one and all to this magical place!" A voice booms over the loud speaker as a man in a red coat and top hat steps onto a small platform. The show begins and i'm absolutely mesmerized by it all, The angry man snapping his whip at a tiger who looks about done with his shit, a fiery headed woman who swallows swords longer than i'd think possible. 

The clown is ridiculous and the strong man's incredible and the acrobats are aw inspiring. But even with all that i can't stop my focus from being on the magician, a dark velvet cloak a top hat that seems to be filled with an endless supply of doves. I watch intently as he barrows one of the blonde dancers and slips her into a box, pulling out a large sheet blade he slides it into the middle with ease. He pulls the box apart and i join everyone else in applauding, as the show seems to end as quickly as it began i watch the ring leader take his spot back on his pedestal. He addresses the crowd eyes scanning the room of people, when his eyes hit my section his gaze seems to fall on me; it's probably not it's just in my general area.. "And with that my lovely audience i bid you a due!"

The tent fills with another round of applause and i watch the Fiery headed woman walk over to the ring leader and whisper in his ear motioning in my general direction, the man tweaks at his mustache a little nodding along as she talks. By the time i stop watching them most of the people around me are gone, i go to get up when i feel a gentle hand on my arm. I jump slightly glancing up i see the red headed lady in front of me, " hello sweetness did you enjoy the show?" I nod unable to find my words, "Good..." her hand moves up brushing the bangs from my eye i flinch as her cool fingers touch the bruise, "Do you have a place to stay tonight?" She asks quietly tone taking on a motherly quality, I shake my head and she nods chewing her lip in contemplation. 

"Well that just won't do, come with me honey." She wraps an arm around me and guides me down into the ring, "Ya know i've been doing this for so many years and i can always seem to spot someone who needs us.." She says guiding me past everyone else left in the ring and i feel all eyes on me, "Wh-what do you mea-mean?" I sputter and she smiles sweetly continuing to move me through the 'acts only' exit. "I have an eye for scanning a crowd and finding things.." She says simply finally stopping outside a large red trailer, "Stay put for a moment sweetness i'll only be a second." She slips inside the trailer and i can hear muffled voices, i look around me and there a few curious eyes on me while the others don't seem to be fazed by a stranger being here. "Alright sweets come on in," She pokes her head out the door and i swallow following her inside. 

The RIng master is sitting in a chair leaning back and staring at me, i drop my gaze and the woman re wraps her arom around my shoulders. "See he needs us Geoff," She coos squeezing me into her side "That's what you said about Michael and now look at him," "he's thriving and happy?" She retorts and i hear him chuckle "Well you know i can't say no to you, and he can stay but he's your responsibility," they talk as if i'm a new puppy. I hear the chair squeak as the man get's up "Alright kid so what's your name," I finally look up and he's looking back at me face warm. "Ga-Gavin," I reply and he smiles warmly "Well Gavin welcome to the ah Circus stick with Jack and we'll find you some sort of act to join.. I'm Geoff by the way," He says extending his hand and i would've jumped if i hadn't been hugged to the lady i now know as Jack.

I shake his hand and he steps past us "Alright well i'm off to go check on a few things and talk to a few people, Jack will make sure your comfy and she'll fix you up tonight." I watch as he leaves before turning to look at Jack, she smiles "Alright hun let's go back to my trailer and set you up, i'll introduce you to everyone in the morning this must be very overwhelming for you." I nod as she takes no time leading me out of the trailer, we walk through the grounds until we stop outside a nice purple trailer. She pulls me inside and it's nice, decorated with little lights and photos. She let's me go and wanders over to a small desk grabbing a Polaroid camera, "Say cheese!" before i can do anything she's snapped a photo and i'm blinking at the flash, she pulls out the photo and puts both it and the camera back on the desk. 

She motions to the bed "Have a seat hun i'm just gonna grab something for that eye..." I do as i'm told and watch as she rummages around in a small mini fridge for a moment, "Ahh there it is!" she pulls out an ice pack and wraps it in a cloth that was sitting atop the fridge, she passes me the ice pack and i carefully place it over my eye slightly flinching at the familiar sting. "So Gavin what brought you to our little circus tonight?" She asks sitting herself beside me and crossing her legs, "I uhh.. I was running away.I mean what better place to start then a circus," she nods her head in agreement. "Well then i think i made the right choice by deciding to approach you huh?" I nod "yeah thanks.." She pats my thigh "don't worry about it sweets like i said my eyes just drifted to you and i knew what i had to do.."

There's a moment of silence "Well this is where you'll be sleeping , i usually spend most of my nights with Geoff so don't worry about sharing a bed or anything. I mostly just come to change and all that girly stuff, so in due time i'm sure i'll just move my shit over to his trailer and this will be all yours." "Your so nice to me.. Why?" I look up and she furrows her brows "Because your human and in need of proper people, just from looking at you i can tell your in need of some tlc." I chew on my lip and she sighs gently placing a hand on my knee "No matter what happened in your past just know as long as your here your going to be given the love and respect you require as a human being, no one deserves to be beaten down in anyway." I put down the ice pack and hug her tightly, she hugs me back careful not to hit any bruises i'm sure she assumes i have.

"Thank you," i mumble and she gives me an extra squeeze "Don't mention it, now get some rest there's a lot of people to meet tomorrow and most of them are a bit crazy," She laughs and i genuinely smile. This should be good...

 

\------------------------------morning------------

 

I hear footsteps approaching outside, i've been up for about an hour now. "Can i come in?" I hear jack on the other side of the door, "Yeah!" i call back and the door opens. She steps in holding a pair of pants and a shirt, "Put these on Barb was more than happy to lend some clothes. Hope you don;t mind she's the only one i can see being remotely close to your size," I shrug accepting the clothes. She turns around and i change into the clothes tight skinny jeans and a slightly loose v neck, "okay." She turns back around as i'm slipping my shoes back on ,"So i'm thinking i'll introduce you to the acrobats and the lion tamer first,"She states and i nod getting up i follow her lead. We walk a short distance to a small eating area where three people are sat at a picnic table, two men and a woman. 

"Hey you guys, this is Gavin he's going to be joining us now. Gavin this is Lindsay, Michael and Jeremy. Jeremy and Lindsay are our acrobats And Michael is our lion tamer," I nod as they all give a slight wave. "So what does Geoff think?" Michael the one with curly red hair asks "He thinks he'll fit in perfect, " She replies matter of factly. "Well welcome your more than welcome to join us for lunch today if you want, we usually meet up around three " Lindsay responds and i smile "Thanks," Before much else is said Jacks leading me away towards a field area. There's a man sitting on the ground while another lifts weights and to girls sit slightly off to the side braiding each others hair. We stop a slight ways away "So the muscles is Blaine the one on the ground is Chris and the girls are Barbara and Jessica, i'll let you formally meet them later all together would be wayyy too much."

We continue on until we reach a smaller tent, She pokes her head in cautiously "Ry you in here?" She calls "Yeah what's up? " she pulls her head out and motions for me to move closer to her, she pokes her head back in "I've got someone i want you to meet, just promise you won't do some creepy shit like you've done with everyone else i've introduced you too." I hear a low chuckle "Your no fun, but come in.." She takes my hand and leads me inside It's dark for a moment before the lights flash on, standing a few feet away is the magician from last night he's a lot more attractive up close... 

"Ryan this is Gavin, Were trying to figure out where he'll be placed still so be nice. Also don't creep the poor kid out," She scolds and he just smiles in a amusement looking me over; his eyes stop on my face and i know he's staring at the bruise,i suddenly feel very self conscious.. " Don't worry Jack i won't... Can you send Geoff in if you see him? " He asks snapping his eyes to look at Jack and she looks at him questioningly, "Sure.." he turns back to me and takes my free hand kissing the top "a due," He says before tossing down what i assume is a smoke pellet. The smoke fades and he's gone; one thing that's not gone is the blush creeping onto my cheeks. She pulls me out of the tent and i blink a few times in the light "And that was our resident wierdo.." She laughs linking my arm she leads me to the big top tent, Geoff's standing in the middle clip board in hand and two normal looking people beside him. 

"So the ropes are good or should i go buy replacements?" I hear him ask as we step closer, "Nah were good boss." He looks up at us from his clip board and smiles, "Hey glad to see you both sleep well?" He asks me as Jack steps closer planting a kiss on his cheek. "Yeah really well actually," his mustache twitches as his smile grows slightly. "Good and everyone was pleasant to you?" He asks and i nod "They were good.. Oh and Ryan wants to talk to you about something," She says and he sighs "i swear if this is about that water tank bit..." He excuses himself leaving us with the two other people "Well this is Mariel and Tyler, Mariel is in charge of lighting and costume design and Tyler is in charge of making sure everything is safe. If you need anything ask one of them they're always on the phone with the other."

They shake my hand as Jack checks her watch, "Well it's around lunch did you wanna go and grab lunch with me? And don't worry about money my treat, like Geoff said until you start i'm to take care of you." I rub at my arm, "Sure.." She smiles as we walk out of the tent and wander back to the eating area and walk up to a small food truck, she orders as sandwich and fries and i order the same unsure what else to do. She takes a seat beside Lindsay and i take the last open spot next to Michael, "So gavin any ideas as to what you'd maybe be interested in doing?" Jeremy asks taking off his baseball cap to reveal orange and purple hair. I shrug popping a fry into my mouth, "I dunno i mean ther's so many things to do here.." They nod and i jump as a hand is placed on my shoulder "So apparently were going to try you working with Ryan a little bit later today..." I look up as Geoff says it and the table goes quiet.

I look around and they all look confused " That's a first," Jack says before taking a bite of her sandwich. "What do you mean?" I ask "Well Ryan usually likes to keep to himself unless it's absolutely necessary, he hasn't worked specifically with anyone.." Jack cuts Michael off "Don't." He nods and the topic is quickly changed, "So maybe after this i can take him to meet the assholes," Michael says shoving the last bite of what looked like a hot dog in his mouth. Jack smiles "That would be wonderful and i'll come find you after i talk to Geoff about some things." The conversation is nice and i can't remember the last time i felt this comfortable with anyone, let alone a group of pretty well strangers. Finishing up we toss our garbage away and Jack pulls me aside for a moment, "If you need me i'm just in the big top.." She says and it reminds me of when my mom was around... "sounds good," I walk back to Michael who ushers me towards a large group of cages.

"So these are my cats, mush and banjo ,"he says pointing at the two tigers who seem like they could care less were here. "They get feed four times a day and i usually with Blaine's help take them out for walks to get exercise at night," I nod as the one named Banjo moves closer to us I watch Michael reach up and give the big cat a gentile pat on the face, It purrs pressing itself more against the bars. Michael chuckles rubbing at the cat again. "So how old are you just asking out of curiosity," I shrug "nineteen i turn twenty in three months. He smiles "Your not too much younger than any of us then, besides Jack and Geoff. You won't believe it but Jacks thirty..." I'm in disbelief "She can't be," He laughs "I know that woman has way too many secrets and her not aging is the biggest.

We chat for a few more minutes before i see Jack walking over hair now pulled into a bun on top of her head, "How's it going boys?" "It's fine mom what did you need?" She snorts "God you know i hate when you call me that, i came to find Gavin Geoff wanted to discuss this new umm.." She pauses trying to find the word "This position he'll be trying out," Michael pats my shoulder "good luck to you man. We'll have a drink later tonight and you can tell me how it went, " I nod as i'm pulled away. "Should i be scared? " I ask and it almost frightens me when all she does is shrug "I'm sure you'll be fine.. Ryan can be a bit eccentric some times though, as well this is the first time he's specifically requested someone let alone a new person.." She muses and a ball of anxiety starts to roll around in my gut. 

We approach the Big red trailer and Geoff's leaning in the doorway, "Ahh come on in guys this won't take long." We step past him into the trailer and he closes the door, "well kiddo where do i start? You've been here one day and your already fitting in alright," i smile slightly. "There's also the fact that you've gained the attention of our resident weirdo.." I furrow my brows, "Everyone keeps saying that but i have yet to have an explanation.." I state tone braver than i feel, Jack and Geoff exchange a look. "In any case i've never had Ryan request to work with someone especially right off , so props to you and all the luck your way," Geoff finally answers. "I'll let Jack walk you back to his tent if you need anything or you want a different act to work into let me know.."

Jack and i exit the trailer and start off towards where she introduced me to Ryan, "Okay well have fun..." She says before leaving me in front of the tent, I swallow taking a deep breath before stepping inside. "Umm Hello?" I call and as if on cue the lights turn on and i see him sitting at a table reading near the other side of the tent, "Ahh welcome back." I watch as he puts the book down and gets to his feet, "Come in i promise i don't bite.." I walk over slowly and he meets me halfway,"so umm what would you like me to do?" I ask adverting my gaze to any where but him, "Let's start with something easy.." He trails off before i catch sight of his hand moving, "I promise you before we do anything if you feel at all uncomfortable we will stop." I nod finally looking up to meet his gaze, god his eyes are an icy blue almost grey... 

"Alright well let's start with the sawing in half.." He says breaking eye contact with me and coughing into his hand slightly, He motions toward an open box i hadn't noticed before. It's decorated with green shimmering stars, "now what your gonna do is climb inside for me okay making what Jack calls 'pretty' for the audience. " I bob my head as he gives a quick demonstration, all smiles and waving he stops before the box and presents it like a girl on the price is right. "Okay now your turn, " I nod curtly exhaling before i plaster a smile on my face and copy his motions until i 'm in front of the box, He offers a hand and i take it he leads me around behind the box where he's got a step stool. I walk up and climb into the box laying myself down as flat as i can so he can close the lid.

"Good, now all I ask is you stay as still as possible." I do as i'm told watching as he grabs the large sheet blade i'd seen yesterday, i watch tentatively as as he slides the blade through the center of the box before separating the halves!! "Holy shit!" I shriek and he laughs "you feeling okay?" I take a moment to calm myself before responding, "Yes it's just how the hell did you do that!?!?" I ask awe struck as i move my foot in the other box, "can't say magicians rules," He chuckles putting the boxes together he removes the blade and opens the lid; and just like that i'm in one piece again. "So basically your job as my assistant is to do as i say and play up to the crowd, become the crowds sweetheart. The more they love you the more invested they become in the tricks," i nod adrenaline running through my veins.

"So how do you feel about having knives tossed towards you?" He asks cautiously and the happiness i'd had seems to dissipate at the memories flooding my brain. "Maybe in a year or two let's skip that one for now," He decides seeming to take in my paled skin. "how about i have you shove sticks into me though holes in another box hows that sound?" I nod relaxing slightly...

 

\-----------------Later--------------

 

"So how'd it go?" Jack asks catching me as i leave Ryan's tent "Really good it was so interesting, he wants me to sit out tonight which is totally okay but he said i'm a fast learner!" She laughs wrapping an arm around my waist pulling me into her side, "that's absolutely wonderful to hear!" She chirps leading me towards her.. Our? Trailer "I'm glad your both getting along, maybe you'll be the person to bring him out of his shell again.." She says absently as we reach the door, at this point i take the hint to not ask "He's not had an easy two years honey to be honest.." She says though a sigh as we step into the trailer. "There was something that happened and it caused him to isolate him self for the most part, besides interacting when he had too..." she pauses her gaze seeming far off for a moment.

"It's only been a day but you've already got him to request to work with you, i'm sure you noticed how big of a deal that is when Geoff mentioned it in front of Michael, Jeremy and Lindsay..." She stops grabbing a sparkling green dress from the hanging rack, "Any way i'm going on like an old lady. I'm glad you had a good day and your more than welcome to watch the show or stay here your choice sweets," She says gently. I bob my head looking away so she can change, "Alright i'm off!" I turn around and she's absolutely stunning. "You look beautiful Jack," She smiles walking over she kisses the top of my head "Thanks hon see you in a bit.."

She leaves and i lay back on the bed, for the first time in my life everything is going well...


	2. Lights up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two year skip

' and now how about a little magic folks?' I hear Geoff call to the audience and i feel Ryan gently take my hand, "you could make some noise when you walk up... Your going to give me a heart attack one of these days," he chuckles as we step into the tent the audience cheering as we move further in walking to our set up. We've been doing this routine for the past two years and i still get a rush out of it, He helps me into the box and i make sure to smile and wink at the audience as he shuts the lid. I can't believe it's been two years today since i joined this crazy family.. I watch him finish sliding the blade in making sure to give exaggerated 'oh' expressions as he pulls the boxes apart gaining more applause from the audience. He puts the boxes back and removes the blade lifting the lid to the box he helps me out and the crowd seems relieved i'm in one piece, i walk down the steps allowing him to lead me to the large wheel this trick took a lot to work up to.

i step onto the small block and he begins to strap me to the board, i swallow slightly being this close to him it's hard to keep my breathing calm; i may or may not have gained a slight crush on the magician. He finishes moving the block from under my feet my heeled feet dangling my whole body held to this by three strips of leather, my costume is ridiculous but the audience seems to love it. Since i started all they had for me was a few little extra dresses and heels until Mariel could figure something out for me, and well it just stuck and it doesn't bother me much. The audience falls silent as Barbara and Jessica appear barb right next to me and Jessica next to Ryan, "You ready?" She whispers "As ready as i can be," She nods signaling to Ryan that i'm good to go. She moves slightly before reaching close to the top of the wheel and giving me a spin, this is the only part i really hate it always makes me naucious. 'Thunk' a knife plunges into the wood under my right arm, 'Thunk' another hits to the left of my ankles.

'Thunk' The last blade hits just above my head , i feel the board slowly being stopped and i blink hard a few times as it's steadied the crowd absolutely loosing their shit.Ryan's in front of me now undoing the straps "You okay?" He checks in and i smile "Ye-yeah just a bit dizzy but ya know it's impossible not to be," He nods giving me a smile. He lifts me down instead of grabbing the stool as per usual and we wave to the audience, he sets me down and helps me back to our exit of the tent. "That was amazing boys i'm so proud of you!" Jack coos hugging us both into her shoulders, i hug her back enthusiastically and Ryan hugs us both. "I can't believe it's been two years since i joined you guys, "I say as we all let go and Jack looks shocked. "Has it already been two years?!?!?"

I nod "two years today exactly," She grins hugging me again. "It feels like more than that," she sighs happily releasing me again "Yes mom," she rolls her eyes leaving us to go enter the tent. "Good job tonight gav," "Thanks Ry-bread!" He shakes his head going to leave, "Wait don't you wanna come and have something to eat with me and the others?" I ask moving to i'm beside him again, he looks me over and sighs. "Fineeeee," I give a gleeful 'yay' before we wander towards the food truck. I've been pretty good at convincing him to socialize and he enjoys it most of the time, "Could you carry me though i'm a bit dizzy still.." I whine playfully and he rolls his eyes before scooping me up causing me to squawk, "Poor baby.." I stick my tongue out as he carries me to the food trunk where Jeremy, Michael and Lindsay are all eating lunch.

"Hey!!" I chirp as he gently puts me down, they all look up and wave as i sit beside Michael. "I'll be back did you want a sandwich?" I nod as i watch him walk off, "Gav your staring." I shake my head turning my gaze to Michael, "Sorry." He laughs "Your so ridiculously obvious, "Jeremy says wiping off his hands. "I think it's adorable," Lindsay coos. I scoff "If i was that obvious i think he would have picked up on it by now," I sigh Michael goes to speak but instead shoves a pickle off of his burger into his mouth as Ryan hands me a sand which sitting himself next to Lindsay. "So how'd it go?" Lindsay asks and I smile unwrapping what appears to be a ham sandwich today, " It went well! the audience here was very lovely. I mean i still got dizzy but not as badly as last time," Ryan nods swallowing a mouthful of sandwich.

"He did very well, he gets better every time we preform." I let my smile get slightly bigger before taking my first bite of my sandwich, we chatter about where were moving to next as both Ryan and i finish up.He get's up "I'd stay and chat a bit more but i have something i'm working on i must finish,"he excuses himself and i stare after him as he walks off. "God i wish you two would just bang this is ridiculous," Michael teases and i give him a gentle shove "knock it off you ass.." "You guys would be really sweet together though," Lindsay muses stealing one of jeremy's fries. "Come off it you guys..." I giggle Michael wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me into a head lock, "little gavvy and the magician sitting in a tree.." I snort "Are we twelve?" "Well you do look it when you shave," Jeremy pipes in and i stick out my tongue. 

"In any case come with me were supposed to hang out tonight while Jeremy and Lindsay close the show, " Michael changes the subject releasing me so we can both get to our feet. I follow him over to the Tigers cages, "You mind grabbing the steaks outta the cooler over there it's snack time." I nod padding over i flip the cooler and grab four of the large packaged steaks, i trudge back and hand him two. We begin to un wrap them, "So how are things with Lindsay and Jeremy?" I ask watching Banjo move closer seemingly noticing the food in my hands, i open the package and toss one in. "There good as ever we tried this one thing last night with Jeremy on stilts..." I squeal and he laughs watching me toss the meat to banjo as he tosses one to mush.

"I really don't need details boi," he shrugs un wrapping the next steak. "So you think you'll tell him how you feel this year?" I shrug tossing the last steak in and watching the big cat devour it."I dunno i mean Ryan's so so.. Special and i just don't know how i'd go about doing it," He rolls his eyes tossing me a wet cloth to wipe off my hands. "You could just simply ask him ya know," I groan "Michaellllllll," He laughs "i know i know it's just a suggestion." I know and i appreciate it," he walks over and hugs me "Just make sure you figure something out or i'll have to tell him," I scoff as we let go "Don't you dare!" I playfully slap his arm. 

"MICHAEL VINCENT!!!" We turn to see Jack storming over "You little asshole stole my special whine from Geoff's trailer!" She hisses and i've never seen her this mad , but i know Michael can hold his own. "I did not why do you always assume it was me?!?!" "Cause your the little shit who's always in trouble!" "Name one time!" He yells back crossing his arms over his chest "Last week in new york you caused Lindsay to have a nipple slip mid show because you hit the fastener on her bra with your whip!" I cover my mouth with my hand to stifle a giggle. "Okay name another that was a complete fluke!" 

" In indiana you ran naked through the tent during my act after Jeremy paid you twenty bucks," "It was a solid easy bet!!" "You dyed blaine's hair black and waxed his eye brows because he took the last piece of cake from that party we had!" I drop my gaze to the floor, i have to agree with Jack on this one he's a bit of trouble.. "Still it's not fair to always assume it was me!" He defends throwing his hands up. She huffs getting so she's nose to knows with him "If i don't get another bottle or i find out you took it so help me your the one who will be sucking Geoff's dick," she growls before storming off.

He relaxes is posture and rolls his eyes before walking over to the tiger cage and pulling a bottle out from under a small pile of straw, "She wasn't wrong but i'm sure it'll be fine i'll buy her more tomorrow." He shrugs before popping the cork and taking a swig, he then offers me the bottle and i take it.I sip it slightly less enthusiastically and shudder at the bitter taste, "What's even in this stuff?" I ask and he shrugs plopping down into a pile of hay before accepting the bottle back from me so i can sit next to him. "Marijuana infused wine," i nod as he passes it back. "So just outta curiosity cause i never have asked you, how did you join up?"

He shrugs relaxing further into the hay, "My parents brought me to the circus when i was about sixxx.." He pauses letting his eyes wander "It was the best day we had together.. well until they left me, i had to use the bathroom and when i got out they were gone... But Jack found me almost instantly and took me with her," he smiles at the memory. "I'm very thankful she did, i met Lindsay and Jeremy a few years after when Jack adopted them from an orphanage.." He finishes and i feel for him i reach over and take his hand giving it a gentle squeeze, "i'm sorry they left you..." I say and he shrugs squeezing my hand back gently, "i'm not If they hadn't i wouldn't of met my true family or my spouses..." 

I look up towards the sky my mind fuzzing at the edges, "So what sent you our way?" He asks and i take a second, "Well my mom killed her self two years before i came here... My dad because an alcoholic," he cuts me off. "Don't say any more dude i get it, that's awful.." I swallow "he wasn't a bad man he had issues but i know what he did was awful so i had to leave," i tell him sitting myself up. "I can't stay too much longer i'm pretty sure Ryan's got us practicing a new trick tomorrow..." I say carefully trying to get up only to fall back down, we both laugh and i yawn. "Just sleep dude i wake up early anyway i'll wake you up," He says and i barley catch the end before i fall asleep...

 

\----------------------the next day---------

 

"Hey wake up asshole!" I wake up to Michael shoving me and i sit up with a start, shit. "Fuck what time is it?!?!" I ask scrambling to my feet, "eight..." I shriek taking off as fast as i can towards Ryan's tent, I loose my footing and fall through the curtain, i close my eyes braced for impact only to feel two strong arms holding me up. I look up and Ryan's looking back at me curiously, i blush as he helps me stand properly. "Sorry i'm late," he reaches over and plucks a straw out of my hair. "Oh sorry i passed out next to Michael after we fed the tigers," i explain and he nods but i catch something quickly flash across his face.

"No problem let's get started.." He says turning on his heels, i trail him as he walks towards large wooden box. "So for this one i'm going to shut you in this box, are you okay with that?" I nod he always makes sure i'm okay with things and is wonderful with not pushing me past my limits. "Okay then i'll need you to stay inside and make a cute pose ,hold still,and close your eyes." i nods as he opens the door for me and i step inside, "ready?" He asks "Yup," I chirp quickly closing my eyes. For a moment i don't feel anything i feel as though i'm floating but i don't dare open my eyes, i'm brought down suddenly and the door opens. I blink a few times and he's looking me over to make sure i'm fine, "how ya feelin?" 

"I feel okay a bit floaty but okay," he chuckles taking my hand he helps me out and leads me to one of his benches to sit. "Take a minute, i'm sure it'll get better with time as all of our tricks seem to. I'll be back i'll go grab you some water," He disappears and my heart flutters he's so considerate! My knees bounce as i wait it's not long before he's back with a pretty little green colored glass, i thank him as he hands it to me and i sip it slowly. "You wanna go for a walk today ry-bread? it's our last day in this city," he shrugs "sure," I place my glass on the bench before linking onto his arm. 

I Lead him out of the tent into the warm sunshine, we walk between the trailers waving as we pass barb and Jessica. We walk further and i'm happy to see a small patch of flowers, i drag him over more or less and sit myself in the middle of the flowers he gingerly sits next to me stretching his legs out. "This is so nice ain't it?" I ask laying back stretching, "It's quiet pleasant ." He muses and i spot a butterfly "oohhh look Ry.." I point out the butterfly and he watches it with amusement, "i love butterflies... There so free and beautiful," i watch it fly away for a minute before i look back to Ryan who's smiling at me. "what?" I ask dropping my gaze "Nothing just uhh looking at the flowers they are quiet nice," he says quickly and i laugh happily.

"This is the best way to spend an afternoon," i sigh closing my eyes i relax ; there's no where else i want to be right now this is absolutely perfect.


	3. Water are you talking about?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> two weeks after the last chapter

"I've always wanted to live close to the water," Ryan muses as we walk down the beach. We've been going for walks together the past two weeks and they're my favorite thing, just Ryan and i.. "Why the water?" I ask letting my gaze drift to the waves crashing close to us, "i just find the water soothing... It's a familiar friend," i look up and he's staring into the ocean his eyes mirror the color of the water. "Maybe one day if we find a good place the circus will settle there for good and there could be a beach or a dock near by.." I suggest and he laughs lightly "Maybe you never know.." We reach the stairs we started and and he let's me climb up first.

"So would you like to meet up for dinner tonight discuss more tricks?" He asks and i nod as he joins me at the top, we start towards the tents and trailers." Sounds like fun," He smiles and drapes an arm over my shoulders; my heart races a little. Reaching the grounds he removes his arm "I've got to go prep some things see you later," i nod watching him leave. "Hey boi!" My gaze snaps over to the Tiger area and Michael's waving me over I skip over and he snorts locking up the cage beside him, " Hey boi what's up?" "Jeremy, Lindsay and i are going to explore the city wanna come?" I nod "Sounds like fun!" We run through the tent to the parking lot where lil'j and Lindsay are already in there little red car, Michael and i slide into the back and Lindsay pulls out of the parking space and starts towards the road. "So i say we start at the huge mall we saw then work our way to the small little shops," Lindsay states and all of us agree that would be the best idea.

She pulls into the large parking lot and manages to snag a spot close to the door, we all pile out and head inside. The place is huge and we end up deciding to split up and meet in the middle, Michael and i head up the left side and end up finding ourselves in the build a bear. "I can't believe you talked me into doing this," he huffs as the girl finishes his third bear ; one for all three of them. "Come on Michael it's cute!" I whine trying to find clothes for the two i made, i made mine a flamingo and i made a Ryan teddy that's a dark brown bear. I dress my flamingo in a cute little green dress and i laugh when i find the magicians outfit, i finish clothing them as Michael calls to me from the cash register. I scurry over and pay for my purchases, after the build a bear we stop in a few other shops making sure to pick up a bottle of wine for jack on account hers went 'missing' again.

We meet Lindsay and Jeremy in the food court, a box of pizza open and being started on. We slide into the open seats and start on a slice of pizza each, "You went to build a bear?" Jeremy inquires amusement on his face "Yeah mr hopelessly in love made me go in so he could make some bears," Michael states wiping his hands with a napkin. "So i made you each one too," he confesses motioning to the bag at his left. "Awee Michael!!" Lindsay leans over and gives him a quick kiss before Jeremy repeats her motion, "gross.." We all laugh finishing the pizza, we all head out to the parking lot and slip our bags into the trunk before we start off towards the street lined with little shops.

 

\----------------four hours later-----------

"I don't ever want to go shopping again, " I muse as we all walk with our bags through the big top tent towards the back. "I can agree to that," Jeremy nods shifting the three bags in his one hand. We enter the 'employees only' area and head to our separate trailers. I drop my things on my chair before flopping onto the bed, i can't believe we stayed out so late... "Gav?" I hear Jack call from outside the dorr, "Yes?" "Where have you guys been it's nine thirty?!?" "We went shopping.." "Ryan's been looking for you apparently you guys were supposed to have dinner," She says stepping in and i sit up straight "Fuck i totally spaced.." I cover my mouth with my hands She sighs "I'd go find him and at least let him know, " I nod getting to my feet i push past her and make the strides over to his tent. I step inside "Ry..." It's quiet as i step in further "Ryan..." I call again and i see him step in through one curtain, "What do you need Gavin." His voice is flat, but i know i messed up. 

"I came to apologize, i went shopping with Michael, Lindsay and Jeremy and it ran late and i wasn't expecting it to go that long..." He doesn't step closer and i swallow "It's fine, See you at practice tomorrow. Maybe we can enjoy dinner another day," Without another word he's gone and i step back out feeling like absolute garbage. I walk back to my trailer and Jacks still inside sitting on my bed, "So?" "He said he'd see me tomorrow for practice and maybe dinner some other time, i feel bad Jack.." She opens her arms and i hug onto her, " it's okay i'm sure things will be back to normal tomorrow, Ryan doesn't usually stay mad long." She assures me smoothing my hair against my head, " just sleep on it things will be fine in the morning.." She kisses the top of my head before we let go and she get's up leaving me alone. I crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head, hopefully sleep comes soon...

 

\---------morning-----

I wake up bright and early and grab the flamingo from the build a bear bag, i walk to his tent and i see him just as he steps back into it. "Ryan!" I call and he stops turning to look at me, his eye brow raises when he sees the flamingo in my hands. "I made this for you yesterday, " as soon as i'm close enough i hand it to him and he looks it over." Again i'm so sorry i didn't mean to flake out," He smiles slightly tucking the stuffed bird under his arm he motions for me to follow him in. I do gladly as we walk in he sets the stuffed bird on his table before turning to me, "Alright shall we practice the routine with the new trick added?"

I nod excitedly following him to our set up, we start the routine and it goes as smoothly as it usually does and then we reach the new box trick. I step in and close my eyes, this time i don't feel as weird but i still don't feel right. The lid is opened and i open my eyes giving my best cheesy grin, "Would you prefer this before the knife throwing or after?" I take a moment to maul it over "before so i don't feel as dizzy when i get into the box," He nods in agreement. "Alright one more time through then with the change," he helps me out and we return to the beginning. This time everything feels a lot better, i'm not feeling as sick as i step into the box. Shutting my eyes i wait the feeling of floating doesn't happen though, within a moment the lid opens and i step out feeling perfect!

We finish up with the knife throwing and as he un does my restraints i can't help but fall into him, "ooops sorry ry.." He chuckles softly helping me stand, "Don't worry about it you okay?" I nod "Yeah that was a lot better." He smiles "Wonderful why don't you have a seat i'll be right back," I bob my head slowly walking over to the bench i plop down. I don't wait long he returns with bottle of water and a candy bar, i laugh as he hands them to me "whats the candy for?" He shrugs sitting himself slightly to my left , "the sugar could help with the dizziness.." I oblige and we sit in silence he picks up his book and reads through a few pages as i finish the sweet and glass of water.

"So whatcha reading?" I ask setting my glass to the side, " It's called look for me... It's a murder mystery, can't tell you much else i just started it.."  
I hum understanding he goes to shut the book and i hear Michael calling me outside the tent, "I'll talk to you later Rye- bread better go see what he needs," he nods re opening his book i hurry off and find Michael leaning up against his trailer. "You were looking for me?" He nods motioning towards the beach, "you busy?" I shrug and he holds up a bottle of voldka, i roll my eyes following him down to the beach. Lindsay, Jeremy, Barbara and Jessica are sitting on blankets staring at the water.

We plop down as cups are poured and we laugh and joke watching the sun fall slightly, i yawn laying back so i can stare at the few clouds left. "So what's your goal for the year?" Barbara asks and i look over to where she's cuddling Jessica, "be braver.." I hum happily before i feel two hands shaking me, " Come on then let's do something brave," Michael slurrs slightly before dragging me to my feet. He tugs my arm along leaving everyone else half asleep on the beach, we walk to the tiger cages and looking at them i swear they're amused. "Alright were going in," I freeze. "Umm what? There's no safety measures or anything.." He snorts "It's fine idiot i promise you if they were to eat anyone it would be me," he fumbles with the lock momentarily before getting it off. 

He opens the door and the big cats take a look at one another as he climbs in then proceeds to lift me in, "there." He shuts and locks the door and my heart is beating so fast, he walks over and plops right down next to mush who's looking at Michael like he's crazy. "Come on they're fine, right guys?" They put there heads down eyes watching me, i walk over carefully sitting next to Michael. " Banjo likes his stomach rubbed, if you want to earn brownie points," he yawns and the cat lets out a slight rawr of protest as if he could understand Michael and his secret was just revealed.

I reach back a slightly shaky hand and rub at the incredibly soft belly fur, banjo immediately shifts stretching out and he starts to purr. I giggle slightly and yelp when Michael pulls me down, "relax we should probably sleep for a while it's been a busy day. Plus the show is tomorrow night and we'll be prepping all day tomorrow..." I nod letting out a large yawn before i let the night slip in.

 

\------------------the next day-----

"Gav? Michael... Boys wake up," I blink a little sitting up slightly banjo gives me a look that says 'dude really?' and i remember where i am, Jacks looking at me but her expression isn't angry it's more worried. "Jack? What's going on?" i ask watching as Michael get's up and unlocks the cage door allowing us both to shuffle out, "have either of you seen Ryan since yesterday before dinner?" Michael shakes his head and i have to think a moment my head throbbing slightly from yesterday. "Ummm we practiced for a while then Michael called me out and i joined him and some of the others for some drinks..." She bites her lip "Okay... He was supposed to meet me for breakfast this morning to go over the times for the performances today and he didn't show, i checked his tent and he's not there either."

I turn to go look for him myself when i see him walking towards Geoff's trailer, "There!" I point and she seems to see him, her and i jog over and he stops cup of coffee in his hand. "Ryan where were you? You missed our meeting," Jack inquires and he doesn't meet her gaze. "Sorry wen't for a bit of a drive wasn't feeling to great, still not to be honest." She reaches up and presses a hand to his fore head and sighs "You have a fever... I'll tell Geoff and we can skip you guys tonight so you can rest up for tomorrow at least," he nods. "Thanks Jack i appreciate that," He doesn't look at me not once.... "Morning ry," It comes out as an almost squeak. "Hi," He says simply before apologizing to Jack again and wandering off; rude.."Well looks like you have the night off bud," She muses as she walks with me back to my trailer. "I guess so, Jack did you see him completely ignore me?" "I'm sure he didn't mean it he's just not feeling well that's all sweet pea." 

i'm sure she's right she's always right anyways...


	4. Silence on the wings of a butterfly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2 weeks after the previous chapter

My knees bounce with anxiety and my head is clouded with frustration, it's been two weeks and Ryan will not talk to me outside of practice or the show. "Hey Gav what's up?" I look up as Lindsay walks over "Not much i just.. I dunno i'm debating on whether i should go try and talk to Ryan ask him why he's ignoring me, or just try harder to get his attention..." She sits next to me "Well this has been bugging you for the past two weeks, if it were me i'd go talk to him it can't hurt things. If anything at least you can put your mind at ease.." I nod she's right it will be better than just sitting around too, "Thanks Lindsay." She nods watching me get up, i hurry over to his tent and don't bother hesitating before walking in he's not in the main tent so i go to feel around the one side i always see him vanish into; his room has to be around somewhere..

No sooner do i think it do i stumble forward and find myself face down on a carpet, carefully getting up i look around it's not a large room by any means but it's nice. I get to my feet and not seeing him i take a moment to look at my surroundings, there's books everywhere a potted fern sits on the head board of the large bed. His blanket looks like pure velvet and god it's so him, i turn to my left deciding i should head out when my eyes catch something shimmering in the light. I know i shouldn't but my curiosity over rides my brain and i open the small cupboard door, and staring back at me is a beautiful crystal beaded costume! I lift open the cape and it's monarch butterfly print, as i put the wing in place i notice a tag. Turning it over it's got my name on it written in Ryan's flawless hand writing.

I chew on my lip before i fix the cupboard and exit his room, i hurry out of the tent only to bump into Jack. "Hey Gavin is Ryan in there? I've been trying to find him all morning and his car is still in the parking lot..." I shake my head and she sighs "I don't want to over react again and it turns out he's just hanging around but i don't know where to even start looking for him." I think for a moment and there's only one thing that comes to mind, "The beach and board walk.... " I don't hesitate i start off towards the The board walk and start scanning the grounds. I jog down the steps onto the beach and i only walk a little further when i spot someone laying just at the water's edge, my heart jumps into my throat. I Rush over and sure enough it's Ryan but he's not moving, "Ryan!" I call but still no movement as soon as i reach him i drop to my knees.

I pat his cheeks trying to rouse him but it does nothing, "Ryan love wake up... Come on wake up.." I cry feeling tears run down my cheeks as i push on his chest, "JESUS!!" I hear Jack scream behind me but i don't look back i'm focused on trying to find his pulse, I manage to find one it's shallow but it's there "RYAN WAKE UP!" I'm screaming now helplessly pushing on on his chest, i barley notice when Jack pulls me away and i watch Blaine pick Ryan up and rush past Jack and I. I'm hyperventilating as Jack hugs me to her chest, We sit for a few minutes until i've calmed down, Jack helps me up and we walk back to the grounds. By the time we make it back Ryan's awake and there's a paramedic talking to Geoff, Ryan's got a mask on and i see the oxygen tank. 

He looks over to Jack and i before adverting his gaze down embarrassment on his face, I watch Jack walk over and place her hands on her hips." James Ryan..." She starts "Don't you dare scare us like that again!" She says her tone falling from anger to concern, "What the hell happened?!?!" He shrugs "I went for a walk to clear my head and had a dizzy spell, guess i just passed out.." He muses quietly as jack pulls him into a hug being mindful of his mask, "Well you need to let us know next time. I won't force a chaperone on you but seriously," he chuckles lightly as Jack let's him go the paramedic walks back to them and removes the mask and packs up her equipment. I walk over to Geoff and he drapes an arm over my shoulder, "You okay?" I nod watching Jack and Ryan get up, "Gav you mind helping Ryan back to his tent i'm going to and grab him some food." I swallow nodding as i walk over, i duck under his arm and he leans on me slightly.

I keep my pace slow as i walk him back to his tent, "Thank you for helping me, i should be okay from here." His tone is gentle and i decide i'm not going to push anything today.. "No problem just glad to see your okay.." He smiles at me for a second before disappearing behind the curtain, leaving me feeling mixed up inside...

 

\------3 days later--------------------------------

 

I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, after finding him on the beach nothing had really changed... I hung out with Michael that night and we saw him at the food cart but when he saw us his expression seemed to harden before he left. "Hey sweetness you okay in here?" I look over to the door way where Jack's stepped in, i sit up and shrug. "I dunno it's still the whole Ryan thing..." She sighs closing the door behind her before she steps in further "I probably shouldn't be telling you this but you remember when you first joined and the thought of him specifically requesting you work with him shocked us?" "Yes and no one would explain why..." "Well that's because i didn't feel like it was my place or anyone but Ryan's place to tell you but since the oaf hasn't i guess i should." 

She walks over and sits on the edge of the bed "Two years before you joined us Ryan had another partner her name was Michelle, he was head over heals for this girl and things were great for a while, but then at then one night they were preforming Ryan's underwater trick..." She pauses and her gaze seems far off, "She wasn't paying attention.. Ryan's magic is strong but a lock is a lock... He nearly died and even after that he was willing to forgive her, she fucking nearly cost him his life and he was willing to forgive that... But apparently she wasn't interested in him or fixing things any more, the reason she was distracted is because the guy she had been cheating on Ryan with was in the audience. She left two days later and Ryan was heartbroken..." She exhales slowly, "After she left he stopped talking to everyone; Only talking to Geoff or i when he really had to. And then you showed up..." 

"Some how out of everyone he seemed to latch onto you," She stops picking at stray thread. "That's awful...But i still don't get why.." She cuts me off " Gav don't take any offense to what i say now but your an idiot. As much as you are allowed to have friends and hang out with whomever your relationship with Michael on the outside can seem a bit more than friends.. And to see it from Ry's point of view you keep running whenever Michael calls, abandoning plans with him for Michael..." As she finishes her sentence it clicks in my brain, "I've been giving hugely mixed signals haven't i? " She nods looking back up at me. "If you want him to like you, with Ryan you have to be pretty direct... Or keep your signals straight no joke intended," I sigh i'm a fucking moron. I chew on my lip trying to think of a way to fix this then it hits me, "I'm gonna fix this i'm gonna make it better and it'll be perfect.." She smiles warmly "I hope so sugar you both deserve to be happy."

We both get up and i follow her out of the trailer, once she disappears from view i make my way to ryan's tent. Looking inside he's nowhere in sight so i hurry in and manage to find his room quickly. Once inside i find what i'm after and with it in hand i hurry back to my trailer....

 

_______________________later________________________

 

The costume fits like a glove it's almost as if he measured me perfectly... I can't stop looking over it in the mirror, "Gavin you ready for me to do your mak..." She stops mid sentence looking at me "That's absolutely beautiful where..." "Ryan made it... I found his room it had a tag with my name on it, i thought maybe i'd surprise him and maybe this would show him how i really feel about him.." I know my voice is weak only carried by the small bit of hope i have that this will work. She smiles sweetly pulling me into a hug "i'm sure he'll love it... Although you did kinda pull a note from Michael's book and taken something from someone without there knowledge, i am curious though how did you find his room?" I shrug "honestly i'm not sure myself i kinda just stumbled into it," She furrows her brows for a second in thought.

Shaking her head before she makes me sit carefully in the arm chair while she does my make up, bright and golden. She's careful as applies the eyeliner my nerves are higher than they have ever been, "sweetpea your shaking relax or your gonna have messy lines love." I exhale a shaky breath doing my best to let her finish my make up applying gold lipstick to my lips, "There all finished.." She steps back giving me a quick once over, she looks at her watch and motions to the door. "Come on we gotta go now or we'll be late.." I slip on my show flats and turn off the light following behind her out of the trailer, by the time we reach the entrance Ryan's already there and Geoff's just about to announce our entrance. I take his hand like i have to to play for the audience, he glances over but to my dismay he doesn't say anything...

I Hear Geoff announce us and we walk in the crowd is absolutely loving it, i do my best to keep a smile plastered on my face even though my heart is sinking. As we go through the routine i don't even get a fucking smile from him that's not meant for the crowd, we get to the 'closet' trick and i climb in taking the moment to fight back any tears i'm feeling. The door opens and he helps me out, before leading me to the spinning board. He attaches me to the board just as he normally would Not even a flicker of anything crosses his face and i feel like vomiting. The wheel is spun and as the knives plunge deep into the wood i feel like instead of the wood it's plunging into my heart, the board slows and my restraints are undone. But instead of taking his hand i have to lean back against the board to catch my breath, the audience doesn't seem to notice though. 

We exit the stage and i'm immediately pulled into Jacks chest, "that was so good baby you did amazing out there and you looked amazing.." She releases me and i smile weakly "Thanks.." She kisses my forehead "i won't keep you though i've gotta go out there, you should go rest.." I nod my words stuck in my throat.I slowly walk back to my trailer kicking at the rocks beneath my feet as i go, stupid me how could i think this would work? I slump up the steps and open the door slowly, i close it behind me and press my forehead to the cool metal and choke out a sob i'd been fighting back. I slowly side out of the costume and drape it ontop of my fridge before i turn to just fall onto my bed only to see someone silhouetted sitting in my arm chair, I yelp fumbling a bit for the light switch. When i finally hit it Ryan's looking back at me and i feel my face grow red at the realization i'm in nothing but my boxers, i quickly grab the quilt off my bed and cover myself.

He stands now blue eyes scanning my face for what i don't know..." How did you get into my room?" He asks voice hushed but his tone is a mix of anger and curiosity, "I dunno i just.. I tripped and stumbled in.." I stutter trying my best to avoid his gaze becoming slightly irritated with the fact i feel like i'm being interrogated, "How do you fall into something that's under magical enchantment? And you just take things?!?" His voice is more irritated now and i wipe at my face feeling the anger start bubbling in my stomach "Well technically yes i did take something but it did have my name on it didn't it?" He glares at me and i stiffen my posture "Also now you suddenly want to talk to me? Mr i'm going to pretend you don't fucking exist and treat you like gum on the bottom of my shoe? I'm not a fucking bug Ryan you can't just squash me and rid yourself of my corpse... I'm a god damn human being!" My voice raises and he crosses his arms.

"At least i had the decency to just cut communication completely instead of giving out improper signals, 'oh ryan i wanna be your friend but hold this while i go do shit with michael' ' oh ryan i know we had previous plans and i could see you were excited for but i'm gonna go do things with michael instead...' " He mocks and it's almost yelling but he's not done "Fuck me for trying. It's so fucking stupid why is it that Michael can have three partners but i can't seem to even get one fucking person to like me? Like fuck trying i guess i'm meant to be alone forever...Doesn't matter how much i try how much i put myself out there, at the end of the day who would want me anyway?" His voice cracks dropping slightly and were both just standing there for a minute heavy breathing and words hanging in the air. "I'm sorry i just... " He sighs heavily his shoulders dropping he cards his fingers through his hair before walking to the door, "I'm sorry Gavin i'm not mad... I just .." "I'm not mad either.." He pauses hand hovering on the handle "We can talk tomorrow i think there's a lotto discuss but it's late and if we keep at this both of us will regret it..." 

He turns the handle "I'll stop in tomorrow morning if that's okay..." "yeah," My voice looses all power as i watch him leave. My knees give out and the tears start again my mind is processing so many things...


	5. I don't wanna hurt you I just wanna be Drinkin' on a beach with You all over me

I roll over in bed my eyes stinging from crying all night, after he left i had too much to think about ; too much to process all at once and even now i don't know how much i've been able to process. I hug my knees to my chest as i look at the clock, it's nearly seven thirty and i feel like i haven't slept at all. There's a gentile knock at the door "Gavin.." His voice is tentative and i slowly get up padding over to the door, i open it and he's looking back at me a coffee in each hand. I swallow dropping my gaze "morning.. " My voice is small as i glance back up and his face is filled with concern and uncertainty "Have you been crying all night?" He asks voice gentle as i step aside allowing him to step inside, i sniffle "Yeah i couldn't help it just so much swimming in my head ya know?" 

He nods handing me the larger of the two coffees, i accept sitting myself on the edge of the bed he sits across from me in the arm chair. "So..." He starts and i sip the hot beverage in my hand, "So.." "I'm sorry about last night... I let my emotions get the better of me, i can usually keep them in check but last night i guess it all bubbled over." He begins and i drop my gaze "I can see now that i misjudged you in the fact you do care..." He pauses and when i look up he's staring down at his coffee, "I'm sorry..." I swallow chewing on the inside of my cheek, "I'm sorry too i haven't been giving out proper signals... I've been sending out mixed signals and that's not good for either of us, " I reply picking at the hem of my pj pants. Nether of us says anything for a moment, "I'm also sorry i'm not very good at this.." He says motioning between us "This?" "Talking.. I'm just... I'm just so used to not really having people that care a lot really it's a shitty and it honestly wasn't your fault.."

"You may have been crossing your wires but i wasn't really showing anything, or it was just so subtle how the hell could i have expected you to pick up on it? I mean i just don't know how to do things like that anymore i guess... I wasn't taught and the only things i had done in the past drove people away.. I mean i'm sure by this point someone has mentioned Michelle, she destroyed whatever i had left for knowing what to do when i like someone .." He pauses exhaling a shaky breath "I really like you Gavin, from the first time i met you i could tell there was something about you i wasn't going to stay away from... No matter how much it might back fire and hurt me i wanted you close i wanted the chance to feel love again.." He stops and i catch the tears starting down his cheeks, "I'm sorry Gavin i was an idiot and an asshole and i don't even deserve to be here..." His voice cracks and he sets his coffee down wiping at his face and my heart is breaking, "If this was the ocean i'd deserve to drown i treated you poorly.."

"No Ry no nonononono," I can't stop myself i put my drink down and crawl over carefully getting up i lean over and pull him into my chest. His arms encircle my waist and i feel his hands holding my sides as his body shakes with sobs, i hug his head to my chest pressing my nose into his hair he's so broken and i so desperately hope i'm the one that can be here to fix him; with the help of some professional which i'll talk to jack about later. When his sobbing calms down he let's me go but i don't i keep hugging his face to my chest, "I'm throwing you a life preserver and were going to get you help for your issues. I know my love can only help so much i just... If your okay with making this a thing i just want to know you would be up for us getting like a therapist to travel with us for not just you but everyone...Someone to help maybe break through some of these issues.." I say gently and i feel him nod arms re wrapping themselves around me,"And Ryan i fancy you a lot.. I've been trying to get you to notice me for a while now.."

"he let's go again and i do too and he looks up at me and i'm held in place, his eyes are the clearest shade of crystal blue and it sends a shiver up my spine. " Well i never would.. This is great.. Umm.." I see his cheeks tinge pink and i giggle feeling the heat rise in my own face, "What do we do now?" I ask absent mindedly playing with his hair, "Well umm if you want maybe we could do dinner tonight? Away from here if your up for it i mean.." He says and i sit back down on the edge of the bed, "I'd like that a lot.." He smiles glancing over at the clock, "Well i should Probably get back to my tent i'm sure you have some things to do before tonight... Does six work okay?" I nod as he get's up i watch as he goes to the door i get up and walk over before he can leave i gently grab his arm, he turns back for a moment and i press a gentle kiss to his cheek. His face grows red and a smile graces his lips as he leaves, i lean in the doorway watching him leave.

"Hey sweetness... You look like a mix of happiness and like you haven't slept at all.." I glance over as jack casually strolls over, "Well Ryan and i are talking again.." She claps her hands together "Good..." "And he's taking me out to dinner tonight.." She squeals tossing her arms up she pulls me into a hug, I hug her back "Finally! I have to find Michael later he owes me about two hundred bucks..." We let go and i look at her curiously "We had a bet how long it would take for you two to finally say something to each other.. " I roll my eyes "Nice to know were here for your amusement. But this is good i was going to try and find you this morning anyway i wanted to discuss maybe getting a Therapist for on the road.." I don't get to say anymore before she's nodding "Yes i agree and i'll bring that up to Geoff when we meet up in a few minutes, he'll definitely be on board it's time we all work through some of our issues. I'm glad you brought it up it's been a long time skirting around it but i think it's time.." 

 

\---------------------------------Later-------  
I'm nervous as hell i'm waiting in the food truck area jack had to use my trailer for her costume fittings, so here i am sitting in a red dress shirt with paisley lining and a pair of black skinny jeans my knees bouncing as nerves nip at my fingerips. "Hey... Wow," I look up and i loose all my breath He's wearing a tight black button up and black jeans; well shit. I get up and watch as he snaps his fingers a bouquet of blue roses pops up i clap my hands and he laughs his cheeks pink handing me the roses, "I know it's cheesy but i thought you might like it.." I nod bringing the flowers to my nose they smell lovely, "they're wonderful," i manage to chirp my voice cracking and were both blushing. He extends a hand and i take it only realizing once he takes my hand in his that i'm shaking, so many nerves this is finally happening! We walk out to the parking lot and he opens the door to his little red car and helps me inside.

He slides in and my heart is a pitter pattering mess as we pull out of the parking lot,as he drives i watch all the buildings pass my hand slowly drifts to his one leg and i feel his fingers lock with it for a moment and i feel my throat feel tight. Soon we pull up to a nice little restaurant with a large patio overlooking the ocean, "Ryan this place looks so... So pretty.." He let's go of my hand turning the key in the ignition, "It's nice but there's really only one pretty thing here tonight..." My face grows red and i giggle as he slides walking around he opens my door before i get a chance, i link onto his arm and he leads me into the building where were greeted by a matradee. He walks us to the table and Ryan pulls my chair out for me, he's such a gentleman and i'm having a hard time remaining so calm and not giggling all night. 

The waitress comes by next and leaves us water and two menus, I pick up the menu and opening it i'm floored by the prices "Ryan this is sweet but this is so expensive.." He waves me off "Hush love honestly i've saved so much money working over the past few years that this won't even dent the cash i carry... Not to boast or anything i'm just pretty good with saving...Plus your worth every penny of it so enjoy," i have to hide behind the menu a small squeak passing through my lips. I take a few minutes but settle on a seafood pasta dish, as i put down the menu i turn my gaze to Ryan but something behind him catches my attention. I look past him and i catch site of Jack as a menu flies up to hide her face, I grin rolling my eyes "I guess we have a chaperone.." I whisper slightly motioning behind him and he chuckles "I know she and Michael followed us here," I laugh as the waitress returns and takes our orders.

"So what's a proper subject to talk about on a first date?" He muses and i chew on my lip "So Ry you know a good portion about me at this point but i feel like i only know snippets about you, why don't you tell me some stuff." He leans into the table slightly "Okay well where to start you know i'm twenty four, umm I've been into magic my whole life born with it actually.. My parents were there but not really.." He pauses picking at the fraying end of a napkin and i carefully place a hand over his "Well i have two older siblings and by the time i came along my parents really didn't care and well I left one day and found Jack, i don't know how i knew but i felt like i was supposed to find her. And the rest from then is history, what else can i really say about me .. Umm i like plants," I smile squeezing his hand.

Our food arrives and we eat over small banter back and forth random tid bits about ourselves and so on, "So what is it that drew you to me in the first place?" He asks dabbing at his mouth with the napkin, I glance down at my lap smiling slightly "Well i mean your eyes were the first thing that caught me..." I more or less mumble and he laughs, "Well to be honest for me you just looked so sweet and warm." I blush as the waitress comes back i watch him pay before we walk out and he takes my hand motioning to the stairs down to the beach, i grin allowing him to lead me down he's careful that i don't trip over the last bottom step and i feel so happy. I spare a glance back and sure enough i catch sight of the two red heads behind us i laugh before we continue down the beach, we walk hand in hand for a while and it's calming and just utterly romantic. 

We get a little further when i feel a droplet hit my nose i pause and we both glance up as it starts to rain, "Shit.." We laugh as we try rushing back towards the stairs but i get an idea and 'fall' dragging him down to the sand with me, we roll over each other for a moment both of us laughing as we finally stop with him hovering above me. I tug my lip between my lips gazing at his lips quickly, "may i ?" He asks hesitantly and i nod closing my eyes i prepare for it, the moment his lips touch mine it's soft and sweet and i'm hooked. He tastes like the after dinner mint but his lips are soft and seem to fit perfect against mine. We part and were both smiling like idiots, we laugh as he rests his forehead on mine for a moment. In this moment neither of us cares were getting soaked or were covered in wet sand all that matters is us right here right now.

"Can i just say that was way better than any kiss i've ever had," I blush looking down "I uhh that was my first kiss..."He pauses looking me dead in the eyes "What?" "I uhh i've never really dated anyone or done anything with anyone before," His eyes sparkle and i feel my blush deepen "Let's get to the car and i'll respond to that, don't need you catching a cold," he says happily helping me up. I go to move only for him to lift me up bridal style "Close your eyes," I do and i hear him snap when i open my eyes were in his car. how.... "So i'm really your.." "Yup.." I bite on my lip nervously but all that vanishes as he looks at me through his dripping wet hair, "I promise you we will go at a pace your comfortable with and i don't like you any less so please don't worry about that.." I feel the anxiety in my chest evaporate and i smile we hear incoherent screaming and we watch Jack and Michael running to their car and both of us burst into laughter.

As we drive home he holds my hand on his lap, occasionally giving it a squeeze and my heart is so full right now. By the time we get back to camp the rain has stopped, he opens my door again and i make sure to grab my flowers from the back seat before getting out of the car. He drapes and arm over my shoulders as we walk and i lean against him we walk, tonight has been like something out of a movie. We reach my trailer what feels like way too soon and i sigh as i open the door, "Well i guess it's good night for now. We should do this again soon," I say "How does tomorrow sound we can go do something during the day before dinner? " I smile stepping down a step, "I'd love that." he cups my cheek and i press into it before he leans in and kisses me sweetly, "see you tomorrow morning butterfly." I watch him walk away tucking myself into the trailer i press my back hard against the door before pressing my face into my palms squealing, this is amazing.

I hear cursing outside and i peak out the window, i see a drenched Jack and Michael standing a few feet away and Michael's handing over a small stack of cash. I laugh turning back to the trailer this night has really been amazing.


End file.
